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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 13, 2013 11:30pm-12:01am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> john: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> the reason why you don't see movies like "death wish" and "the warriors" is because you captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen").
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>> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. please, you're very kind. (cheers and applause) nation, nation, i don't want to alarm anyone but when you leave my studio tonight, you may very well be hunted for sport. because yesterday new york city became a kill zone. >> a federal judge has ruled new york city's controversial stop and frisk program violates the constitutional rights of minorities by "conducting stops in a racially discriminatory manner." >> stephen: that's right, folks. unelected activist judge has rejected stop and frisk on the bizarre theory that minorities have a constitutional right not to be stopped at random and man handle bid strangers. (laughter) despite the fact that when the constitution was written minorities weren't even invented yet.
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(laughter) i think. thankfully mayor bloomberg says he will fight to preserve stop and frisk because he knows you can't make a safety omelet without breaking a few brown eggs. (audience reacts) jim? >> we go to where the reports of crime are. those unfortunately happen to be poor neighborhoods and my *r minority neighborhood. >> stephen: okay, the program is not about color, it's about friskability. (laughter) in fact, i don't see color, not even my own. people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i don't get frisked. (laughter) the point is for years, for years this has been a safe city, a wonderful toy for a girl and a boy. but now it will be teeming with unfrisked black and/or hispanic people. i won't pwefpb able to cross the street to avoid a suspicious looking african american without running into a questionable latino on the other side!
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which means i have to walk down the middle of the street "here comes the cab" i'm dead. (laughter) and, folks, it's not just who's on the streets now, it's also about the thugs headed back there. because yesterday attorney general eric holder announced new federal guidelines to undermine our war on drugs. >> attorney general eric holder announced the justice department will stop seeking mandatory minimum sentences for offenders accused of low-level nonviolence drug crimes like a small-time drug currier. instead, they'll ask to send them to drug treatment and community service programs. >> stephen: no jail time, just rehab. it's like every minor drug offender suddenly became a white college student. (laughter) well, tank infully folks it's one group that is always dishing out the frisky buffet, the t.s.a. (laughter) because they have the safety of this nation in the palms of
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their hand. also your genitals. (laughter) and there -- (laughter). and they're finding all sorts of new places to do it. >> how do you feel about a special t.s.a. team searching you before you see your favorite sports team or concert? the t.s.a.'s expanded duties now include security checks at passenger train, subway, and bus stations across the nation. >> they're now expanding into sporting events, rodeos, music festivals. >> stephen: that's right, t.s.a. agents are headed to our stadiums and passenger trains. and the hiring process should be easy since there's already plenty of guys on the subway ready to give patdowns. (laughter) and thank goodness, folks. thank goodness the t.s.a. will be able to secure our vulnerable rodeos. but a word of advice for broncos: those horseshoes are going to be a nightmare at the metal detector so invest in some
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crocs now. (cheers and applause) but folks this massive expansion comes after reports that the t.s.a. misconduct increased 26% over the last three years well, that makes sense because up to spread misconduct over a broader sample size. just like if you ever cheat on your girlfriend you have to get a bunch more girlfriend so you're more faithful per capita. (laughter) this expansion of the t.s.a. beyond airports is known as vipr. there's no "e" in that word because it was detained for appearing twice in the word "yemen." (laughter) and, folks, as vipr mission clearly states, t.s.a.'s visible intermodal prevention and
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response program is part of a nationwide security program that serves all modes of transportation. you hear that? all mode! that means cars-- including nascars. some before each lap they're going to have to get stopped for a screening. (laughter) it's the only way to make sure everyone's safe before they crash for our amusement. (laughter) now, obviously we also need agents to monitor chair lifts. think about it: they're full of suspicious people wearing masks who never ride them round trip, just one way. where do they go? no one knows. (laughter) folks, what about the most widely used american transportation system of all? legs. with all the threats out there, wouldn't you feel more comfortable with the t.s.a. agent clings to one at all times? (laughter) there are some people out there
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who say the world is getting safer, we can't let our fear of crime and terrorists change our way of life. here to defend the "let them kill us" view is neuroscientist and author of "the better angels of our nature: why violence has declined" steven pinker. mr. pinker, thanks for coming back. (cheers and applause) the book is called "the better angels of our nature: why violence has declined." before we get started, can you put out your arms, please? (laughter) just want to make sure you're good. tk-pb foe what you were hiding under that helmet. okay. how can you say that we are safer? 9/11! >> 9/11 was off the charts 3,000 people were killed every year in this country alone, 16,000 people are killed by ordinary homicides, 40,000 people kill themselves, 3,000 people die by drowning, 300 of
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them in bathtubs. >> stephen: why isn't the t.s.a. giving spe a pong bath? (laughter) >> every year other than 2001 more people die from bee stings, peanut allergies, from collisions on highways with deer, from -- >> stephen: you said other than 2001. other than 2001. so you're taking 9/11 out of the mix. that's like saying the germans killed very few jews-- except hitler. take hitler out of the mix and the germans were lovely to the jewish people. >> after 2001 there was a prediction that we'd have 9/11s every month. that there would be shoulder fired missiles that take down planes, that there would be bombs as disneyworld, at super bowls. that prediction has not come to pass. >> stephen: it seems like with this book you're trying to get us to calm down about our fears but i see things to be afraid of everywhere i look.
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do do you watch cable news? >> i do. the problem is you'll be misled if you base your assessment of how dangerous the world is on the news because the news is about stuff that happens. anything that goes bang anywhere in the world that makes the news. all the people who die of natural causes don't have a reporter and camera crew at their beds. there are more and more of them, there are fewer and fewer violent events but every violent event that does happen makes the news. >> stephen: i'll give you an example that's not the news, this is reality, that vipr program. four years ago it was a $30 million program, now it's a $100 million program. that says to me the world got $70 million more dangerous. or else it wouldn't be there, right? (laughter) >> well, the security apparatus doesn't do cost-benefit calculations, we spent something like a trillion dollars since 2001 on homeland security and related expenses but nobody does the math. could we have made ourselves much safer spending that trillion dollars in other ways?
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>> stephen: like alternates to bathing? (laughter) >> for example. or stopping people who text while they drive. >> stephen: if the world is a safer place, why can i still die? (laughter). (cheers and applause) until we are immortal, shouldn't we do everything in our power no matter what the power to keep ourselves alive forever? >> we should. then preventing terrorists attacks is not a cost effective way to do it. you're much more likely to die in a car accident, falling off a ladder. >> stephen: how many people die from falling off ladders. >> thousands every year. >> stephen: should we be inevading ladderstan? (laughter) is that possible? >> 20,000 deaths a year from accidental falls. we just read about one in a stadium yesterday. most don't make the knew.
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some guy falls off a ladder and dies. but you add them up over the course the of the year and you're much more likely to get killed in a household accident than a terrorist attack. >> stephen: you said the number of people who died in terrorist attacks are newer than the number of people whose pajamas have caught on fire. (laughter) >> every year but 1995 and 2001. >> stephen: are pajamas the original sleeper cell? (cheers and applause) dr. pinker, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) the book is "the better angels of our nature" steven pinker. (cheers and applause) ÷qwrwvñrk
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome everybody, my guest tonight is a *eufl rights pioneer who fought for voting rights in the south. i'll ask for valid i.d. please welcome congressman john lewis. (cheers and applause) congressman lewis, good to see you. >> good to see you. >> stephen: thank you for coming back. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: sir, for those of you who do not know your c.v., you were a giant of the civil rights movement, chairman of the nonviolent student coordinating committee, the youngest and only surviving speaker at the 1963
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march on washington when dr. king gave the "i have a dream" speech. you were a leader to the selma to montgomery march and a recipient of the presidential medal of freedom and profiles in courage award and you have a new book. i'm exhausted. (laughter). (cheers and applause) >> don't be exhausted. it's all right. >> stephen: i want to say that you do not outcivil rights pioneer me. because i held in my hand this is a banner from the march on washington, all right? got that. august 28, 1963, all right? this is in my hand because i was there. all right? in my mama's belly. she was pregnant with me and she was at the "i have a dream" speech so don't feel all high and mighty. i was at the "i have a dream speech" too. >> do you hear me? >> it was a little muffled. and i'm not sure if i'd
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developed ears yet. but, yeah, it was -- >> i spoke number six and dr. king spoke number ten. >> so you were the sixth person to speak. if i'm not mistaken, near the end of your speech you kept on saying "wake up." >> i'd say "wake up, america." and he said "i have a dream." so weren't you fighting each other? (cheers and applause) what do you think we should remember about the significance of that day? >> it was an unbelievable day. hundreds of thousands of americans came together: blacks, whites, latinos, asian americans, native americans. men. women. children. when i was introduced, i looked up over that audience, the sea of humanity, i saw all of these young people on my right and then i looked to my left i saw many young people in the trees. then i looked straight ahead i saw hundreds and thousands of
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people young and old with their feet in the water trying to cool off and i said "this is it." and i started speaking. >> stephen: were you nervous? >> no, i was not. i had been arrested and gone to jail many times by the time of the march on washington. i met with president kennedy a few weeks before the march. and president kennedy didn't like the idea of bringing hundreds of thousands of people to washington. he said "if you bring all thee folks to washington, won't there be violence and chaos and disorder?" we said "no, mr. president, this will be an orderly, peaceful, nonviolent protest." and the day of the march, when the march was all over, he invited each one of us, the ten of us, back down to the white house and he stood in the door of the oval office. he was beaming like a proud father, he was just smiling, he said "you did a good job. you did a good job." he shook our hand. when he got to dr. king he said "and you had a dream." america is a better america
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because of the march on washington. and we are a better people. (applause) you now have a graphic novel called "march, book 1." and this is a graphic novel of your life, how you were inspired to join the civil rights movement and this is the march across the edmund pettis bridgton road to selma. and this was for voting rights, wasn't it? >> it was, people in selma, like so many other parts of the south, could not register to vote because of the color of their skin. in selma people had to stand in what we called unmovable lines. you could only attempt to register to vote on the first and third monday of each month. >> stephen: the first and third monday. >> right. you had to pass a so-called literacy test, pay a poll tax. on one occasion a man was asked the number of bubbles in a bar of soap. on another occasion a man was
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asked to count the jelly beans in a jar. >> stephen: how many bubbles are there in a bar of soap? >> well, i don't know. >> stephen: should you be allowed to vote then? i guess obviously -- each state gets to set their own standard. states are setting their own standards now. >> but it's so wrong. it's so wrong. >> stephen: if you can stick around for one minute, we'll take a commercial break and come back to talk about a couple other things and the book. thanks so much, we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: we're back with representative john lewis. (cheers and applause) congressman lewis, your new book is called "march, book 1. " this is a graphic novel. essentially a comic book of your early days in the civil rights movement. is that dignified enough for the civil rights movement? because what you guys have got at stake is just dignity. is this lowering the dignity of civil rights by making it a comic book. it is not lowering the dignity of the civil rights movement. there was another comic book that came out in 1957 when i was 17 years old it was the martin luther king story of the montgomery movement. it was called "martin luther
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king, jr. and the montgomery story." >> stephen: so there was a comic book of martin luther king in 1957? >> it sold for ten cents. only ten cents. >> stephen: there it is. there it is. "martin luther king, jr., the montgomery story, how 50,000 negroes found a new way to end racial discrimination." did you buy this? >> well, someone gave me a copy. i didn't have ten cents and i read it and reread it and this book inspired me when i went away to school in nashville, tennessee. and inspired other young people. >> stephen: had you met dr. king at the time? >> i didn't meet him until 1958. >> stephen: so you had this before you met dr. king. so this would be like meeting superman to you! (laughter) >> well, it was meet mig hero. he became my hero. he became my inspiration, my leader. he inspired me to say no to segregation and racial discrimination. when i was growing up 50 miles from montgomery i saw those signs that said "white men"
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"colored men" "white women" "colored women" and i would ask my mother, father, grandparents? why they would say "that's the way it is. don't get in trouble. but rosa parks and martin luther king, jr. inspired me to get in trouble. so for more than 53 years i've been getting in trouble. good trouble. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, let's talk about trouble. let's talk about trouble for a second because the voting rights act was recently gutted by the supreme court when they said that the criteria that judged serb states that had a permanent place under the jurisdiction of the voting rights act were to be thrown out because they were no longer applicable. you want to reinstate certain part of the voting rights act. why do we need to do that? because the supreme court said racism is over now. (laughter) aren't you kind of being the
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racist? (laughter) no offense. >> no, it's okay. it's all right. we're not there yet. we're not living in a post-racial society. a lot of people like to think because we elected an african american president it's over. it's finished. >> stephen: i like to think that. doesn't that feel good to say, though? doesn't it feel good to say racism is over? feels better than saying it's not over. that makes me sad. >> it makes me sad not knowing that it's not over. >> i don't see race. i don't know if you watched the show earlier. but i don't see race -- i don't know if i'm white or you're black. i assume you're black because i have a desire to frisk you right now. (laughter) >> well, please don't. you may find something on me so please don't frisk me. >> stephen: is there going to be a book two? >> book two, book three and it will tell the whole story, the complete story. i love what my coauthor and nate
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pile have been able to do with the worries. it's drama, passion, it makes this book sing. >> stephen: since you're the hero of this graphic novel, do you have a superpower? >> well, i can make things happen. you know, it preach or speak in rural alabama to those chickens and sometimes they would say "amen." (laughter). (cheers and applause). >> stephen: preach to chickens, that could come in handy. representative lewis, thank you so much for joining me. john lewis, the book is "march." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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